I was recently reading an article from a gentleman named Larry Wilson who wrote a bookled "When Life Doesn't Turn Out the Way You Expect."  It was an article God knew I needed to read.  Since Jamie died, I've been working a 12-step program.  No, not for drug or alcohol dependence - but to enable me to move out of grief - one step at a time.  I'm on step nine. Making direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."  I will not go into the 12 steps now - suffice it to say, that the twelve step program is a very powerful, spiritual program to get one through one's darkest hour.  Jamie's death being mine.

In this article, Wilson asked a group of people when the 'God Moment' was - that told them it was time to move on into their future instead of holding on to their past.  I realized that mine was today.  I was lying on my bed, doing deep breathing exercises to help me relax when I suddenly realized I was holding on guilt for several things surrounding Jamie and her drug and alcohol addictions (which I strongly believe contributed to her untimely death.)

I was holding on to guilt for not having gotten her help several times, thinking that had I intervened earlier, perhaps there might have been a different ending.  The words formed in my mind, " My God.  Could we have saved her?  Maybe?  If only we had ..." Fill in the blank.

Then the answer came clearly to me.  "No.  You could not save her from herself. "

"But, I feel so badly.  I miss her.  I saw so much in her ..."

"Let it go."

"It's past.  You can't change it.  She's with me.  Let it go.  For your own sake.  Accept what you did and what you did not do.  Own it."

Jamie,

I'm sorry honey.  I shoulda been a better mom.

Pay it forward, Mama.  Pay it forward.  Don't keep reaching back to me.  I'm in your future now.  Give all you would have given me to my babies.  To others who need.  Remember mama?  Pay it forward.

But Jamie, had I done more ...

No, mama,  no.  Trust God with this one, mom.  Accept the help you need.  Don't go it alone.  Walk on, mama.  What is the song you have been listening to?

You'll never walk alone.

And what are the words?

And, as I go to google, to find the lyrics, I find a page  with a white bird flying across the bottom of the page, and remember the white feather on my glove today.  I smile through my tears.

When you walk through a storm
 hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.

It's time mom.  It's time.  You'll never walk alone.  God has you by your right hand.  Remember what Sebastian said.  "My mommy is in three places.  She is in the grave.  She is in heaven.  And she's in my heart".  I'm always and forever in your heart, mom. Move on.  Don't' hold on anymore.  Let it go. It's time..

I know honey.  <through tears>  I know.  I've known for a while, I just didn't want to feel I was leaving you behind.

You're not, mom.  Not really.  It's how it's meant to be.  I love you, mom.

I love you, Jaybird.

Mama?

Yes, Honey?

Pay it forward.